A spiritually definitive moment

 Although I have become an “anti-facebooker” so to speak I feel compelled to share this moment that I find myself standing in, mostly for self restitution however I have no fear in expressing humility and exposing my true self. It’s been six years since I have had the courage to pick up an HB drawing pencil and a sheet of Strathmore medium paper and begin to expose my inner self to a now much abated external self. I never thought that the one thing that brought this mind peace and this heart such thriving conviction would instill such a fear as death itself. As the many pressures of life have folded so tight that the creases of seasons past have left impressions across my skin that no means of modern therapy can undo their work. Even in prayer I find my soul crying out “I have so much to tell you…release me”…yet this fear gets overwhelming…there is so much more at stake. I now walk a path not traveled alone, careless steps are costly and my son shall never feel the weight of my follies yet in that same regard he shall understand consequence. The emotion that arises at every attempt to grace this canvas with each stroke, shading and accent my soul weeps with happiness and in a soft whisper speaks…”It’s all laid out before you, let me guide you…I have so much to say…release me”. Looking through sketches of years past I see my present and what is to come…I’ve been creating my own life story since the beginning and the pieces that now make sense brings me great joy, a joy six years ago I knew had purpose yet held no value until now. In all honesty, despite my closeness to my family I have never felt so alone in my entire life, a void infatuating to the devil yet a conviction or season of breaking much deserved through faith. Yet it is the emotion tied to this vacancy that covers me like a thick sheet of ice so cold and lifeless I find myself weary in the physical from fighting the demons of a more subjective tense  . Thus this soul still cries out, stretched taunt against this frame of bone and flesh and begs me to ignite the flame inside upon this hour…..Just pick up the pencil Kayla…”It’s all laid out before you, let me guide you…I have so much to say…release me”

The time has come…Through the grace of God and the will of faith I release that which patiently dwells inside. Expose all my internal workings and I pray that it brings peace to this mind and fullness in this heart…

 

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